Recipe for Drunken Flat Snake Chili

By Autumn M. Birt

First you have to get a mouse drunk. The sophistication of the chili depends on the type of alcohol consumed. I recommend finding a mouse that prefers a good Scotch or a cognac at the least. Anything less and I cannot assure that you will be pleased with the end product.

This stack of Ye Olde Recipe Books were an amazing find at an antique store. They are a little difficult to translate, but well worth the effort.

This stack of Ye Olde Recipe Books were an amazing find at an antique store. They are a little difficult to translate, but well worth the effort.

If you have a sufficiently inebriated mouse and are good at persuasion, you should be able to convince it that it can defeat the snake. If not, simply have it continue drinking until it passes out. Then feed it to the snake. This is the only way I’ve found to get a reptile drunk. How you flatten it is purely a matter of choice. A large, flat rock works well and leaves less mud than utilizing a vehicle to run it over (SUV preferred for humanitarian reasons).

Note: The original version of this recipe was Drunken Flat Dragon Chili. In that case you had to get an oxen drunk (on fermented grains, presumably) and then feed it to a dragon. How one would then go about flattening a dragon is beyond me.

The recipe calls for 2 pounds of snake meat, so use a large snake (and very drunk mouse) or you’ll need several snakes (and mice). If that is the case, I recommend mixing species. It adds to the final zest.

While the mouse is drinking or after flattening the snake, cut the stems from two ancho chilies grown with only five drops of water. Of course, I prefer less spice and favor seven drops of water, but that is me. Slice the chilies (not the mouse) down the middle, remove seeds, and boil in a pot full of spring water gathered during a new moon and kept in darkness until use. The pot should be no less than half a liter, however using more than enough to boil a man is extravagant and just showing off ones water harvesting (and storage) skills. Boil the liquid and chilies until 3% of the water remains, then liquify remaining water and the chili.

Apparently this is the moment prior to flattening the dragon. I believe the horse is not drunk.

Apparently this is the moment prior to flattening the dragon. I believe the horse is not drunk.

The original recipe actually called for feeding the drunk dragon the anchos before flattening it. Good luck with that.

Sauté the snake meat (remove entrails first – please tell me you knew that) along with a white onion picked by virgins under a full moon (what you do with the virgins after that is entirely your affair) and 5 cloves of garlic sold by a traveling gypsy. Once cooked, chop meat along with the onions and garlic utilizing a silver knife until everything is the size of apple seeds (don’t mix seeds used for comparison purposes with the meat mixture. That is very, very bad). Drain off any grease (warning: grease may contain neurotoxins and/or could spontaneous combust. If using dragon, it will eat through any metal in five minutes).

If you’ve survived to this juncture, start heating approximately 28 ounces of onion flavored baked beans (non-magical kind and preference is for bean hole beans cooked in Maine during the fall. If you don’t know what that is, come visit me). While the beans are heating, dice a can of green chilies pickled and canned by mountain dwarves and 4 plum tomatoes (any will do, but I recommend organic and heirloom varieties). Mix tomatoes and green chilies with ground cumin from the south of India (harvested before the monsoons, not after), the dried blood of a Norwegian troll (smoked paprika is an acceptable substitute), and Mexican oregano that is guarded by an iguana (this is more common than you’d think). As soon as the beans are warm, add the snake/onion mix, then the tomato/spice mix (DO NOT under any circumstances reverse this order). Stir to blend consistency. Throw in one beer brewed in a monastery during a holy month to counteract any lingering poisons and let the mixture simmer at least 15 minutes, 15 days is preferable. Now serve!

This has been my favorite chili recipe for years and I really hope you enjoy it. Of course, I think I’ve made it a few too many times. Which is why I’m now vegetarian.

Autumn is the author of the epic fantasy novel Born of Water and its Novel Companion and, most recently, the compilation of adventure travel stories Danger Peligros! All are available at Amazon, Smashwords, and other retailers of e-novels. You can also be annoyed by her on Twitter at @weifarer or on her Facebook page.

2 comments on “Recipe for Drunken Flat Snake Chili

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